The need to be in control is really a lack of trust in God, The Universe, and other people. It says that only I know what’s best for me, when in fact that’s usually not true. Consider all of the times:

- you’ve got in the wrong lane at the grocery store or in traffic
- you wanted what other people ordered at a the restaurant
- you’ve broken up with a boyfriend or girlfriend that you originally thought was perfect for you
- you’ve said you hate your job (which you chose)

As crazy as this may sound, oftentimes we don’t know what’s best for us. That’s where the law of attraction comes into play. If you accept that you don’t know what’s best for you and start to release control amazing things can happen. Consider how you found your best friend. You didn’t say “I want them to be my best friend.” Instead, you started out by just being you and by being you, you attracted who was best for you without being in control of who it was or how it happened. First, be your self and secondly, trust in the goodness of your spiritual source to draw unto you what’s divinely right for you in all situations.

2. The Need To Be Right

I occasionally watch sports and I hate pre-game show commentary because it’s all hypothetical. Nobody knows who’s really going to win. That’s why I like March Madness and the NCAA Final Four because everyone’s forecast and brackets are usually wrong. Though predictions don’t hurt anyone in sports (except gamblers), the need to be right manifest itself in many negative ways such as:

- Arguing with someone over subjective and factual things
- Back seat driving when the driver is lost
- The end of romantic relationships when conflict arises
- Huge catastrophes that are caused by group think (like NASA Challenger Crash)

Nobody can predict the future, but at the same time nobody wants to be wrong or admit they were wrong when making decisions today about the future. We all want to be able to say I told you so. But even when we are wrong, we can always justify it in some way or we realize that being wrong wasn’t that bad.  I’ve also accepted that there is is no wrong or right—instead there is really right, right, and less right. Any decision has the possibility of being right, but certain choices are more likely to be right than others if the right inputs are taken into account. And then there is the uncertainty factor which can work in favor or against the seemingly right decision. Knowing that 90% of variables are out of our control because there are so many moving parts, I’ve discovered that the easiest way to avoid the need to be right is to say “I don’t know.” It’s so liberating to not have to slick talk or come up with a answer on the spot but we’ve been taught that fast answers are a sign of being smart (perhaps it’s Jeopardy’s fault). Fast answers are good when it comes to regurgitating memorized information, but after formal education is done, most decisions are made on subjective information, intuition, and hunches with some facts. “I don’t know” is the only right answer there is and it’s easier to get to the really right answer from there than it is when two or more people think they have the right answer themselves.

3. The Need To Have What You Don’t Deserve

The word entitlement captures this desire the best. We all have expectations about life, when and how things should happen to and for us like:

- When I’m going to get married and how the wedding is going to be
- When I’m going to buy my first house and how it’s going to look
- When I’m going to rise to the top and become CEO
- When I’m supposed to have my first baby by
- When I’m supposed to become a millionaire

In most cases, we want those things sooner than we deserve them and when they don’t happen on our time line or according to our 10-year plans, we get disappointed. Instead of thinking about marriage, we should be thinking about the courting process of falling in love with ourselves. The moment you fall in love with yourself is the moment you are ready to love and be loved by someone else. Instead of thinking about when I’m going become a millionaire, think about what it takes to be a millionaire by surrounding yourself with other millionaires, observing their lifestyles, and then patterning yours after theirs. We each have these key birthdays in our heads like 16, 18, 21, 25, 30, 35, 40, 50, and 60 as well as things that we think we should have accomplished by those dates. And what slows people down more than anything else in life is trying to live an inflated lifestyle they don’t deserve and that leads to things like buying a house five years sooner than they probably should have or getting married too early so they could have kids by a certain age or quitting a job they could have grown in because they weren’t advancing fast enough. This is how we build a debt-based economy, a divorce-ridden country, a culture of corporate disloyalty. First and foremost, we have to be grateful for what we have. Once you’ve accepted and mastered what you have and where you’re truly at, that’s when you are able to move to the next level…no sooner, no later.

4. The Need To Be Accepted

The need to be accepted causes people to make decisions that they wouldn’t make themselves if they lived alone on an island. In fact, if you saw the movie Castaway, living alone on an island will actually reveal this need—in the movie Tom Hanks made a friend named Spalding out of a volleyball. Whether consciously or subconsciously, we want to be accepted by our parents, peers, society in general, and God. But our deep desire to be accepted causes us to:

- Choose college majors that we don’t like because our parents said so
- Choose careers because of what others think about them and the money they yield
- Choose our homes, clothes, and other aspects of how we live according to what others may think

Our need to be accepted affects almost every aspect of our behavior. In his book, Success Built To Last, Jerry Porras interviewed 200 of the world’s most success people and he discovered that the world’s most successful people were more concerned with doing what they love than being loved. When we’re focused on being loved, we tend to do things that others want us to do and in most cases that will lead us down a path of self-hate. On the other hand, if you focus on doing what you love, the only thing that you can attract back to you is love because that’s the only thing you are creating in the world every day. This doesn’t mean that when you tell your parents you’re quitting your job to move to New York and pursue your dream they won’t get mad. At the end of the day, they love and you and want what’s best for you (even though they don’t really know what’s best for you either). The question you have to answer for yourself is “Is my purpose and passion more important than (what) my parents (think)? Your parents, peers, and society has the right to an opinion, but just because your opinion about how life should be lived is different than theirs doesn’t mean that you have to think any less of them. If they think it does, then you have people around you who are trying to be in control (see #1) and that’s detrimental to your success and theirs. The need to be accepted can only be countered by self-acceptance. Once you fully understand and appreciate who you are in the world and your unique contribution and you make a commitment to live your life no matter what, you will be unstoppable.

I wish you could judge someone’s PERFORMANCE by their PERSONALITY, but you can’t. Oftentimes, niceness is overcompensation for people’s inability in the areas you need them the most. We’ve been trained since kindergarten to be nice and in school being nice was a good thing. Remember when you got report cards in elementary school and they had an academic grade and a citizenship grade. The mean kids got bad citizenship grades which usually meant bad academic grades because the teacher didn’t like them. It is rare to find a student with bad citizenship grades and great academic grades, but you find tons of cases of good citizenship grades and bad academic grades (see the report card above).

That’s why in the real world “nice guys finish last” in their careers. Today, a lot of GOOD PEOPLE are unemployed. The reason is that PERSONALITY can only get you so far. In many cases, PERSONALITY is what carries people through the interview process because most people believe the myth that GOOD PEOPLE are GREAT PERFORMERS. As a result, GOOD PEOPLE get in the door while some GREAT PERFORMERS get the door slammed in their face. PERSONALITY alone can get someone through the first few months of new employment, but it’s not until it’s time to PERFORM and deliver that cards get put on the table. I’ve learned that PERFORMANCE trumps PERSONALITY.

On the flip side, there are a lot of GOOD PERFORMERS who do bad things—I could make a long list of top athletes to prove it, but in an effort to be non-judgmental I won’t. But if you’re a nice person and you know you’re hiding behind a cloak of niceness, your RESULTS have to eventually match the quality of your RELATIONSHIPS. And if you’re a great performer, your RELATIONSHIPS have to eventually match the quality of your RESULTS.

Now I’m not saying be MEAN, but I am saying that you have to be MEANINGFUL to the organization’s bottom line and your team members. In order to advance your career, you have to have great RESULTS and RELATIONSHIPS. Leaders should always hire for PERFORMANCE first and PERSONALITY second. Though business ethics is important, hiring is not a question of morality unless you’re HR manager for the Vatican and even they don’t do a great job.

The hardest thing to do is fire a GOOD PERSON—a family man with 3 kids who volunteers and goes to church every Sunday—because it feels morally wrong whereas GOOD PERFORMERS rarely get fired. Companies are created to make PROFIT, not PROPHETS, so unless niceness is a part of a company’s business model (i.e. customer service, hospitality, etc), don’t expect niceness to be your job security.

How come some people live a life of their own choosing while others don’t?

What stops people from doing what they love every day?

What would it take to get you to quit that dead end job and start making a living?

A. A million dollars
B. A near death experience
C. A gun to your head
D. All of the above
E. None of the above

Nine years ago, on the night of June 15, 2001, I was out promoting for an upcoming party in Los Angeles. A few weeks prior, I bought a used 1990 Mercedes Benz 190E at a car auction for cheap only to find out that the following week’s repairs would double the price I bought it for.

Why a Mercedes Benz? Well, I bought into the belief that a child was supposed to do better than their parents, and since both of my parents had Mercedes Benzes, I thought I could show them that I was doing better than them like I was supposed to by getting what they had at a younger age.

As a party promoter, you either went to every party or you showed up at the end to hand out flyers and on this particular evening, we arrived at the end. I pulled into a parking lot to wait for the party to let out. As soon as I turned off my engine and lights, two men jumped out of car in front of me with a guns drawn—one came to my door and the other one approached the passenger side. There were four of us in my car—my passengers ran while I starred down the barrel of a gun.

In less than a few seconds, my entire world turned. What used to be important—the car (especially the car), the house, the money, the seen and tangible—became less important. And what I used to take for granted—life, love, friendship, God, the unseen and intangible—became more significant.

The gun could have been empty for all I know or care, but inside that gun was my magic bullet. I was blessed with everything. I had two parents for doctors, a silver spoon in my mouth, self-discipline, intelligence, business savvy, and love from all kinds of people and places.

But until that moment, I was on a path to mediocrity, middle-classness, and melancholy instead of path to meaningfulness, self-mastery, and of my own making.

I don’t even recall the exchange of keys, perhaps I left them in the ignition, but just like that my car was gone. Though my car was stolen, in exchange I got my life back. I was lucky because I only got car-jacked—unfortunately, people are getting life-jacked while sitting inside their own lives every single day.

I ask those I love:

Where is the gun?

Who is holding it?

How accurate is it?

In other words,

What’s stopping you from doing what you love?

Who is holding you back?

Is your fear really real?

In a world where no one is holding a gun to your head…

In a world where you are the dictator of your own future…

In a world with so much freedom and choice…

Why do people still do things against their own will (i.e. work for forty years in jobs they don’t like, let alone love)?

Why do people with so many gifts never unwrap them?

Why do people with so many talents cover them with dirt?

If someone had a gun to your head, would you be a coward or courageous?

Would you finally start doing the things you’ve been wanting to do and say the things you’ve been wanting to say?

Or would you be able to smile in the face of the barrel knowing that you were already doing the things you wanted to do and saying the things you wanted to say?

There are two roads to take in life.

The road of fear or the road of love.

And there are two ways to travel it.

Aimlessly or with aim.

And there are two ways to end the journey.

Dead or alive.

The question isn’t if, why, or how. The question is when.

Each one of us has a bullet with our name on it, but nobody knows when theirs is in the chamber. So in order to live now, today, in this moment, we each need a magic bullet.

I’ve seen them come in the form of newborns, car accidents, spiritual experiences, near death experiences, death of loved ones, dreams, pilgrimages, diseases, loving people, stories, books, movies, songs, and more. They can be hand-crafted by you or hand-crafted for you, depending on how long you wait for who-you-think-you-have-to-be to die.

Whatever you choose, don’t wait too long. You only get one shot.

Your magic bullet awaits you!

I remember when we first met. You were wearing all black and I was afraid of you. At the time, I was dating Good Enough. I didn’t want to take a risk on you. With Good Enough, I was safe, secure, and comfortable. But Good Enough wasn’t good enough. I needed more. I needed to be pushed…be challenged.

That’s when we met face-to-face. I guess opposites attract. Who would  have thought that a Successful and a Failure would date. It’s like mixing vinegar and oil or a Capulet and a Montague. I acted like I couldn’t stand you, but when I relaxed and just truly embraced you, I learned so much from you. I wish more people got to know you like me and would stop judging you.

You remember who introduced us? My first business introduced us back in 2005. All my other friends hated you. But I didn’t care what they said. I had to see for myself what you were all about. I invested my time, money, energy, and identity in you. You showed me things about myself that I didn’t even know about like my ego and my self-doubt. You knew how to press my buttons and now I know myself better.

I know I ran away when we broke up. It was me, not you. In hindsight, I have to admit that you made me better. And for that I want to say thank you.

I have a feeling that I’ll be seeing you around. I hear you’re out there still breaking hearts. I don’t want the next time we meet to be awkward.

As you’d always say, “If you fall out of love with a Failure, make sure you fail forward.”

Sincerely,

Mr. Successful

I ask myself a similar question. What would our lives be like if our education was purpose-based? If we were able to discover the purpose in each of ourselves and learned accordingly? I believe it can be done by mass-customizing education and adopting the principle that every student is also a teacher of self and other students. Professor Richard Boyatzi’s of doing a lot of great work on self-directed learning (SDL) and you can find some of his work here. I’m certain that the world would be a better place if this was so.

What do you think? Comment below…

1. A friend offered to pray for me as I take this leap of faith
2. I’m certain that dozens more of my friends are praying for me based on emails and comments
3. Mylinia closed a small angel round of financing after some legal delays
4. Two friends have given me leads on Chief Technology Officers for Mylinia
5. My dad said he would give me his Nissan Pathfinder car so I can get around in LA without me even asking
6. Two strategic partnerships for Mylinia got put on the table
7. I’ve connected with 10 friends from California in person in New York all in support of me
8. I got good news about my tax return
9. I found a designer for the book cover of “You Can’t Google Purpose”
10. I got 5 phone calls and affirmations from California friends in support of my move(ment)

This is pretty powerful, so I had to document this for myself and others.

Stay tuned. More good is on its way.